California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion

I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

All I know about humor is that I don’t know anything about it.

Television is a device that permits people who haven’t anything to do to watch people who can’t do anything.

There are two kinds of jokes – funny jokes and Jack Benny jokes.

Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you’ll end up in the police station.

I’m a little hoarse tonight. I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.